Connor Miller

"Connor Miller! I’d like to ask if I may have an interview with you. I’m doing a report on all the people who are involved with ‘Hetty’. You know, the guy form the news, first person to break out of Florence prison, tried to steal the core f the earth. So, Will you let us do our interview?"
"Can you see I’m busy!""Well, yes we can see that. Do you mind telling us what exactly you’re doing right there Connor?"
"I’m trying to make deep fried celery. Buzz off!!"
Connor, can’t we just have a little more time. The public is waiting for your story."
"NO, Stop bothering me!! Wait a minute, before you leave, may I ask if you’re a communist?"
"Well, no I’m not communist, I was born in the United States and didn’t have the heart to leave. However I strongly believe the U.S. should become a communist country. I strongly believe in the communist ways." Connor grabbed a machine gun from under the table he was at and shot the reporter.
"Okay, guys. Now that she’s dead, I’m going to be the reporter and the person who’s being interviewed. Ready, Okay, My interview’s gonna take place right here in my backyard. It’ll be entitled......How To Kill a Communist.

How to Kill A Communist
Tape 2
reporter: Connor Miller

China 7:00 AM

"Okay everybody watching this interview on NAM news. Right now I’m going show you the precise way to kill a communist. I know you’re probably thinking...Why is this kid teaching people how to be a murderer...well, the truth is, Communists are bad. You should hate them, just like me. Anyway, there are a few ways to murder a person who’s communist. Here’s a list:

How to kill a Communist with a shotgun or pistol

1. Begin by loading your gun. Simple insert the bullets and gunpowder(If needed). You will not need to test your gun, but if you insist on trying it out, make sure you aim it away from people. You don’t want to shoot non-communists or worse, anti-Communists like me.
2. Step two. Hunt out a communist. You are likely to find communists in communist countries such as Cuba, north Korea, Laos, Vietnam, and China. I highly suggest you don’t hunt out China communists for they are the best kind. I don’t exactly hate them, I just kind of dislike them. Anyway, China does supply us with most of our possessions.
3. Once you have located your communist you have decide to murder. Stalk him. Follow him around and find out his schedule. You want to know what he does everyday. Be discreet though, don’t want to be put into jail.
4. Pull the trigger and shoot him. No need to hide the body. By the time anybody finds out what happened, you’ll be on the opposite side of the world. (United States)

How to Kill A Communist with Poison

1. Go To A Poison Shop and buy some poison
2. Don’t Drink the Poison
3. Mail a Korean a bunch ‘o empty envelopes in an envelope. All the envelopes should have Poison smeared around the part you usually lick.
4. Korean Dies when he licks his envelopes.
   
   
   Back Up Plan

1. Got TO A Shop and Buy some More Poison
2. Go Visit A non-Chinese communist and have a party with him. Do Not try to make out with him. That’s just plain wrong.
3. Pour him a glass of Wine.
4. Drop some poison in the glass
5. Korean dies of poison. Your duty is done.

How to Kill A Communist With A Machete

1. Push the machete into his heart
2. He Dies

How to Strangle A Communist

1. Simply pretend you are Gay and hug/kiss a Communist
2. When you hug him, wrap your arms around his head, then move them around his neck.
3. Squeeze and hold
4. HE Suffocates.
   
   

Back Up Plan

1. Mail a communist an inflatable banana in the mail. Have it look like a normal banana un-inflated and have it inflate when signaled by a remote control.
2. Go to the communists house and peek through his window. Don’t peek in his bathroom while he’s on the toilet though.
3. When the communist tries to swallow the banana, inflate it. He’ll choke and die.
   
   

How to Befriend A Communist

Don’t befriend one unless he’s Chinese.

"Now that everybody read how to kill a communist. I will now show you how to kill one. Okay everybody, They’ll now be a short break. It’ll be a long way to North Korea."
"This has been...Connor Miller With the daily report for NAM News. We’ll be back, after the break!"

Quote of the Day:

"I’m scared of Jell-O and Orange Sherbet. I wanna work in a string cheese factory when I
grow up" ~ Jodie Makara ~


Billboard of the day:

Dialed 9-1-1
Line was busy
Wish I had
A Gun

Did you know I actually saw that billboard while driving through Kentucky.


"Bonsai Trees only 25$!!! Get them now while they last!!!! Not interested in Trees. Get your Gator Jerky just off some interstate running through Tennessee. I forget each one..... What’d you say boss?? What?? Oh, you want me to tell ‘em about the Scottish Inn? Oh Okay! .... Looking for a place to sleep? Go to Scottish inn now or We’ll be forced to shoot you.

"Perry Commercial company. Need to advertise your business? Perry’s the way to go."

Try saying ‘Goody’ then ‘vning’ If you say both these words right next to each other and mold them into one. You get...Goodyving.

"Okay we’re back on the inclusive interview with Connor Miller. Reporter Connor Miller brings you the inside scoop of how to kill a communist. Connor, the microphone’s yours." The Camera scene switches to Connor in Korea. He is in a bear costume and is standing on top of tall cliff over a town.
"Thank you...person. Anyway, before the break we were traveling to North Korea. Well, We’re here. Me and my camera men here are now traveling undercover as panda bears. We don’t want to get into any troubles here. To my right, over this cliff here, is an average Korean town. To make things simply, I have decided to demonstrate the Average ‘shooting a communist from a distance’ maneuver. I did not include this in my list because it is much to simply. Allow me to show you," Connor motioned to one of the camera men, "Fetch me the shotgun will you buddy."
"Yes right away." The man handed Connor a long distance sniper rifle.
"Thank you. Now what I am going to do now, is just aim at the Korean street down there. When a man walks out of his house, I’ll shoot him. (I’ll only shoot men. I won’t shoot the women and children. )" As Connor watched form the cliff, a North Korean government official walked out of a building. Connor Shot him in the chest. His aim was Precise.
"Well, that’s it for this interview. Back to you...person."
"Thank you Connor for that detailed step by step directions for becoming a murderer...err...killing a communist. Anyway, that’s it for this edition of NAM News tonight. Have a nice night folks.


A Little event you didn’t hear about

"Okay everybody, now listen up! For now on, this building will be referred to as…The Deep Fried bozo shack!! Is that clear everyone?" There was a series of cheers
"Yeah!! Whoa, that’s a great name!"
"We’re gonna, like, cook up some food. Yeah, we’ll have deep fried onions, zucchini, chicken, marshmallows, oysters, clams, potatoes, all kinds of delicious delicacies!! It’ll be great!" Connor Miller walked to the top fo the stage platform of the small shack him and a bunch of other people were in.
"Yes, Yes, I know it’s a bit to great to believe. But I assure you, with my help, we could all become Deep fried champions!!" More cheers filled the room.
"What do we have to do to get the food Connor!!"
"Tell us, oh great leader!!"
"I will tell you now. All you have t do to get unlimited deep fried treats and admittance to this fantastic Deep Fried Bozo shack, is help me with my plans and become my army. See, there’s this old man named Hetty. He tall and skinny and well, he’s bad. He tried to take over college of college, then he kidnapped me. I want revenge on me and you people can help me get it. I know some of you may be fatsos or mutated humans with black holes for stomachs...but you can still help me. When you do deeds for me, I will reward you with food The better the deed, the better the food. If you’re lucky enough, you may even get to choose your food. From calamari to pizza, I’ve got everything there is. You get free access to the deep fryer too. How’s that for a deal, eh!!!!"
"It’s the bestest deal I’d ever heard of!! I’m in!"
"Great! Now, everybody who wants to sign up is to go over to he that table over there and sign their name in ink. Remember, once you sign up you can’t quit. IF you do, you’ll be considered a traitor."

Here’s a quote from a book I read. It relates to this document:

"Martin decided we should move to America. ‘something terrible is coming,’ he kept saying. He was right, of course. The communists came, and the grayness descended on our homeland.’" ~A Book I read ~

The funny thing about this quote, is that the book had nothing to do with it. The entire book was about magical aliens who are the size of potatoes and can only come alive when you pour water on them.


"Hey Connor, buddy, Mr. Deep fried dude, like, when are you gonna give us a task so we can earn some of that o’ super deep fried heaven food!!! Huh, huh, huh?"
"Quiet, if you want some deep fried food," Connor popped a slice of deep fried banana into his mouth, "Then…….Go to the Montgomery Market and get a crate of Kiwis. Take the crate over to Chicago and bring them up to the top floor of the Sears tower. Break open a window and throw them out. I’ll give you one hour of deep frying time for each mango you throw out and two hours for each coconut."

At Montgomery Market

"I’m sorry, we can’t just give you a crate of mangos and coconuts"
"Why not!""Because there’s a sale going on and there’s a limit of 5 coconuts per person and 5 mangos per person. Plus those crates are very expensive."
"Hey, listen. We’ll pay you double the normal price for the mangos and triple the normal price for the coconuts."
"I’m sorry but there’s no deal. I’m not a crate seller. Why do you want mangos and coconuts so badly anyway?"
"None of your business. We’ll be taking our business elsewhere." The two fat men walked out of the market and back down Douglas road.

On a deserted Island

"Uh, what exactly are we doin here?""We’re getting g a crate of coconuts and mangos. See, on deserted islands like this one, coconuts are plentiful because nobody is here to pick them. The trees around here are filled with the things we need to get admittance to the deep fryer. Coconuts, mangos, this island has them both. It’s got wood as well, to make crates."
"I see, and how do we get the food down from the trees may I ask?"
"Oh, well, we’ll just cut the tree down with a chain saw!"
"Uhhh, don’t you think it would be easier just to ask that wild man over there if he could get us a few. Looks like he already has enough for himself." The man pointed to a muscular man wearing torn cloths running across the beach.
"Nah, This way’s much better. And for your information, that’s not a wild man, that’s my uncle. He was counted dead after a shipwreck a couple years ago." The man took a chain saw out from inside a suit case in which he carried. He cranked the engine to life and began to saw the tree down.
"See, no big deal. Hey, owwww!! #$%#$ I’VE GOT SAWDUST IN MY eyes" The man continued to cut the tree and soon, after a loud cracking sound, the tree began to fall.
"MY FOOT!!! This tree cutting business is pretty dangerous. Come on Sam, we’ve got our mangos and coconuts, let’s get To Chicago. I saw this one play thing when there’s these scary looking clown who have there own phone and bubble shop. The clown picks up a phone and there’s this monster on the other end telling him he’d better come to Chicago now. Then, spider webs fall from the sky and giant balls are thrown into the air. These guys on stilts com e out of nowhere and start blown bubbles everywhere. I’m telling you, that was the worst play thing I’ve ever seen. It was scary. Real scary.

At a blueberry farm

"I’m a blueberry farmer and I make a living on selling blueberries. I also have nothing to do with this story. Actually I do...I like Miller light beer. Maybe I should just shut up. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.

At a Bus stop

"NO!! I already said, you are not getting on this bus with those crates."
"Aw, man. Come on buddy, we need these fruits for my….aunts wedding. Can’t you see I’m a cripple?" The man pointed to the cast on his foot and his terribly red eyes.
"How’d it happen?"
"Was cutting a tree down and forgot to get out of the way when the tree fell."
"I see, well, not only can you not get on my bus with those crates, you can not get on my bus at all. I don’t allow the mentally challenged onto my bus!! GOOD BYE!" The bus driver began to shut the door. Quickly, the man with the cast grabbed a gun from his pocket and held it towards the bus driver.
‘Listen here, if you’re not going to cooperate....Then we’re hijacking your bus. Now kindly step aside and let me get these crates and my friend onto the Vehicle." The bus driver refused to move.
"You’re gonna let me on your bus or else you’re gonna die! Step aside Got it?"
"Err…Yes." The bus driver said sitting back down in his seat.
"Good." With that, the man in the cast and the other man holding the crates both got onto the bus. The doors shut and both of them headed for Chicago.

At the Sears Tower

"We’d like a ticket to go to the top floor of the sears tower please."
"Sure thing, that’ll be 67 dollars"
‘Here you go" The man with the cast handed the ticket guy the money and proceeded through the metal detector and into the elevator. The other man followed close behind.
"Hey buddy, it’s a good thing we decided to hide the food in our pockets this time instead of carrying those crates around."
‘Yup, best Idea you’ve had in a while dude."

At the Top Floor

I’ve decided not to show you what happens. Let’s just say the two men murdered four security guards then removed a glass window pane form the building. They reassembled the crates and filled them with mangos and coconuts. The two men then threw the entire collection of food over the side of the building. They were arrested shortly after.
As for passerbys below, nobody was hurt. The falling food was actually seized by curious Mercurites orbiting above. They observed the flying crates then used an advanced tractor beam to beam the food up to their ships.
"Mmmm, these hard ball things are quite tasty. Remind me to ask the king to bring me some during his next visit. I’m sure in won’t be to much trouble for him to pick up a few at one of the…how you say…super mokets. Oh!! I remember, it’s called a super market. Yes, I’m sure it’ll be no trouble for him t pack up a couple and bring them to mercury for me and my pal."

P.S. This Document has been written by Nicholas Makara. If you see a mango falling from the top of the Sears Tower, I suggest you get out of the way. If a penny falling from the top of the Tower could kill a person, imagine what a mango could do.