The Truth about 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears'

I assume you have read or heard the story about Goldilocks and the three bears, correct? Well, if you haven’t, I suggest you do before reading this. I also suggest that you read ‘Jerry Perry’
Anyway, the story about Goldilocks is a story that his been modified from it’s original event. The story about the three bears if often referred to as ‘fiction’ although this story, although extremely modified, is a nonfiction account. The events in that story are true. There is one thing I’d like to bring to your attention though, the ‘Goldilocks’ is not really a girl, she’s a man and the ‘baby bear’ is not really a bear at all, he’s a small child. His name’s Jake Berry. I will now reveal the truth about the story "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" Take heed this took place before the story ‘Jerry Perry’ Thank you.


Once upon a time, in the Alaskan forest, there was a papa bear, a mama bear, and a toddler child. One fine day, the three creatures went for a walk in the park together. Hand in hand, the three...err...earthlings, walked down the path leaving their cozy rock cave deserted.
As this happened, a man watched form the nearby bushes. He wore a camouflage suit and a jester hat with bells. This man, was Mr. Perry.
"You know I really wish I had left this hat at home. It’s giving me away. I mean, how else would Nick know I’m here? He’s writing this isn’t he? Man, I should be more discreet." Mr. Perry Climbed out of the bushes and brushed the twigs off his cloths. Quietly he put on a longhaired wig.
"This ought to do it. If anybody sees me, they’ll think I’m a girl. Now, to find my son Jerry. I’ll go into the cave and collect his things, then when the bears come back I’ll grab him and bring him back to the United States."
Inside the cave, were three chairs and three bowls of some sort of mushy oatmeal stuff. Cautiously, Mr. Perry sat on the biggest chair and looked at the stuff. (It was porridge) He tasted it and began to cough.
"Wow!! Looks like these bears forgot to heat this stuff. FHSDJF!" Mr. Perry cleared his thought, "Let’s see what this bowl here tastes like. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to have myself a nice bowl of porridge before I face the bears." Putting the next bowl to his lips, He tasted the substance.
"This is quite good really. Nah, it’s a bit hot. I’ll bet’cha anything that they accidentally dropped some Habenero peppers into it. These bears are actually very sophisticated. They have there own trading system where they get peppers imported form Mexico. Maybe there’s an entire ocean liner company owned by bears!" Mr. Perry thought a while then said, "Could be possible. There was this rumor going around that Hollister was owned by somebody part bear. Anyway, back to eating!" Once again, the man got up and went to sit in the next chair. As he sat down, the chair crumbled from underneath him.
"Oh $#$^!! Stupid bears. Don’t even know how to make proper chairs. Could’ve had my neck broken. I’d sue but, unfortunately, I’m not supposed to be here. Might as well taste this stuff." Mr. Perry put the bowl to his lips and began to sip. However, just then he slipped on some mashed potatoes that were smeared onto the floor and accidentally dumped the entire bowl into his mouth. You can see where Jake Berry has gotten his habits.
"Jeez!! I’ve gotten hot oatmeal stuff all over my tongue and my cloths. Oh crap, Maybe these nutty bears have some towels or something upstairs for me to dry off in." The tall man hiked up the stairs into the bears’ bedrooms. You know when Tim and I went to great America with band, I explained to him how I was afraid to order food from a food place because I was worried that the person behind the counter would take out a gun and shoot me. So, Tim and Jacob Benjamin go ver to a place where they sell French fries and say,
"Hey...errrr...do you think you could tell this kid here that you’re not... like ... gonna throw anything at him or shoot him or anything?"
"Oh, we’re not allowed to ... like throw anything at anyone or do anything to hurt you. See, they’ve got cameras watching us and if we ... like do anything like that we’ll get arrested."
"See nick!! Nobody’s gonna hurt you!!"
This event really did happen. However, I now have proof that some people in food places do have guns which they shoot people with. When I was at the civic center one day, these kids went up to the concessions to by some ice cream. They ordered a cone and the man in the building took out a pink gun and began to shoot them with it. They fell onto the floor, probably dead. People were screaming. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut for the rest of the story, this is not one my usual ones you know. I’m going to try and stop adding in random crap for the rest of this document. (‘Random crap’ is a quote from Chris Obert)


"Yeah! I love the super duper deer fest!! You get to eat as man deer as you want at no price!!! I look forward to this day every year, can I go on the super duper Deer wheel??"
"Sure Jakey, you can go on whatever ride you want. Here’s some human artifacts to pay for the rides and some salmon in case you get hungry."
"Thanks mom!!" Jake said to the mama bear that was not his real mom. Anyway, Jake went on 5 rides all together. The first one was the deer wheel, which is a huge wheel made of deer meat and functions the same as a Ferris wheel. Have you ever wondered why a Ferris wheel is called a Ferris wheel? The second ride was the deer coaster, where you jump on a giant deer and run all over the place. Then, Jake rode the Deereo, which is like a rodeo, and the deery go round where you jump on fake deer and ride around in a circle. Jake wanted to ride the raging deer but he was to chicken. Soon, night began to fall and his bear parents told him to come and eat some deer on the cob with them.


Mr. Berry searched the closets of the Bears’ home for something to dry himself with but found nothing. He decided to take a nap. Jake’s dad got up onto the largest bed and lay down. However, right when he was about to fall asleep, he farted.
"Ah!! I gotta take a fart!! Let’s see, bathroom, bathroom, bathroom! Where are you bathroom? Oh well, I’ll have to go right here. If I’m lucky, my pee may drain out the window. As I always say....Errr...As Jerry used to always say, WHOOPSIE! GOTTA GO POOPSIE!!" Mr. Perry went to the bathroom on the floor then got back onto the bed.
"Wow!! This bed seems to be wet from Oatmeal stuff now. I should have taken my cloths off before I got on the bed. I’ll have to use this other bed now." Jake’s dad jumped onto the mama bear’s bed and began to fall asleep. But, unfortunately, then it began to rain. The thunder woke Mr. Perry and he again got up from the bed to see what was going on. When he returned, his bed was wet from the porridge. Mr. Perry was forced to lie down on the smallest bed. There, he finally drifted off to sleep.


"Come on Jakey, did you finish your deer crispy yet?"
"Yeah, can I have another one?"
"Sorry, it’s getting dark out. We’d best be going home now, honey." Jake and his family of bears left the fest and began the walk home. The short walk home.
Mr. Perry continued to sleep in Jake’s bed
Jake and the bears arrived home; they opened the door to the cave and gasped. Someone had sipped papa bears porridge, someone had sipped mama bear’s porridge, and someone had spilled Jake’s porridge.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY PORRIDGE BACK. SOME STUPID PERSON SPILLED IT. I WANT IT. MAKE ME MORE, NOWWWW!!!! NOW, NOW, NOWWW!!!!"
"Now, Jakey, you mustn’t fret. Mama will make you some more food tomorrow. You just ate seven deer anyway, you can’t be hungry already."
"I’m not hungry, and I don’t want porridge anymore. I want my chair unbroken!!!!!!!!" The mama bear looked over towards Jake’s chair and saw a pile of broken wood pieces on the floor.
"Oh dear. Papa bear, you’d best come look at this. Somebody’s broken our little Jakey’s chair."
"Gruff, Gruff!!! I have the feeling we have a trespasser in our house. Come on mama bear, we’re going upstairs to check the bedrooms!!" The two bears and Jake climbed the stairs and entered the bedrooms. They checked papa bear’s bed; it was wet. They checked mama bear’s bed; it was wet too. Then, they checked Jake’s bed. There was a man dressed as a girl sleeping in it.
"You!!!!" Mr. Perry jumped out of the bed startled.
"Get out of my house human!!! I’m gonna kill you for trespassing!!"
‘It’s against the law to kill."
"Against human law maybe, but not bear law. According to bear law, every time you kill something, you get a 1000 pieces of salmon award. The Law also says that bears are forbidden to dance the jig anytime between 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM!! We’re not allowed to own more that 5 pairs of binoculars either."
I know I promised to ease up on the Random stuff...But I can’t help it. Besides, it’s not that random. It has to do with laws. Anyway, here are some actual laws that are in the U.S. today.

In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes people to laugh in church

In the state of Massachusetts, it is illegal to water your lawn while it is raining

In Kansas, It is illegal to catch fish with your bare hands.


"I see. In that case, I’ll be going." Jake’s dad took a gun out from his pocket and held it out towards the bear. He slowly walked down the stairs and out of the house. Once he was out side, he screamed,
"Ha, HA, you stupid bears!! I’ll be back, next time with men, guns, trailers, rangers, and all kinds of technology that you don’t have. I’ll get my son back if it’s the last thing I do!!" With that, Mr. Perry ran through the woods back to his helicopter. He traveled on it back to Illinois.
This is what really happened during ‘Goldilocks and the three bears’. I hope you understand that although these events may not be as interesting as the original children story, they are the real facts. This is no longer the fiction children story you once knew.

P.S. This document has been written by Nicholas Makara. Thank you.