The Little Old Lady

Once upon a time there was a silly little old lady with a cane and backache. The little old lady was sitting in front of the TV on a couch munching on a piece of cake. She dropped a couple crumbs and an ant came and ate the tiniest crumb she dropped. The little old lady saw the ant and tried to smash the ant, but the ant was already out the door. The little old lady followed the ant, but the ant jumped on a carriage. The ant blew the little old lady a kiss as the carriage took off. The little old lady dashed into her garage and took out her airplane. She flew right after that carriage. When the ant looked up and saw the little old lady following him, he jumped off the carriage and ran into the woods as fast as he could. The little old lady flew her plane right over the woods. Suddenly, she heard a funny noise coming from the engine. She put her ear to the engine vent and the noise became louder. The little old lady opened the engine door and sitting right there was a big fat ugly rat. The little old lady snatched the rat right out of the engine and threw it out the window of her plane. There was a loud "plump" and that was the end of that rat. The little old lady laughed and said, "ha, that’s what he deserves for being so ugly and fat."
When they were in the deeper part of the woods, the little old lady realized she couldn’t see the ant any more. She drove her plane to the tallest tree and jumped off. There was some good news and bad news. The bad news is, she missed the branch. The good news is, she brought her parachute with her. She landed on a shriveled old gloomy old horse that was grazing in some grass. "Ya!" she screeched. Then the horse started running after the ant. When the ant saw the little old lady on the horse so close, he took no chances. He jumped on a leaf and when the wind blew the ant floated away. The little old lady got so mad! She started climbing up the closest tree hoping to catch the ant, when she realized she was already at the top. Then the wind blew and the ant appeared in front of the little old lady’s face! Terrified in fear, the ant waved to her. The little old lady took out her fists and right when the little old lady was about to grab the ant, the wind blew and the ant floated out of the little old lady’s reach. But even though, the little old lady jumped off the tree trying to catch the ant. She missed of course and started falling down, down and down. Unfortunately, the little old lady grabbed a branch that was sticking out.
She pulled herself up and climbed down the tree. She looked around and saw a big shiny ax! She picked up the ax and cut down one tree, two trees, three, four, five, and six trees! Then the little old lady built herself a log cabin, yes she did. She threw the ax down, and put a cage by the door of the log cabin. She took a piece of cake from her pocket (that she had put there before she left her house) and put it in the cage. Then she hurried out of the cabin and hid behind a big fat blueberry bush and waited. Suddenly, something came wandering out of the mist…. It was the ant! The ant walked right towards the cake but right when the ant was about to take his first bite, he heard something. The ant looked around and he caught a glimpse of the little old lady hiding in the bushes. The ant started to run, but it was to late. The cage had already slammed shut.
The little old lady jumped out of her hiding place. The ant looked up at her and couldn’t help himself. He laughed and laughed at her messy face full of blueberries. The little old lady grabbed the cage and yelled, "Be quiet or I’ll eat you for supper!" She jumped on her horse and said, "ya!" but the horse did not move. "Come on you lazy horse", she said, but the horse still did not move. The little old lady lost her temper; she gave that horse one hard slap! "That should teach you what ‘come on’ is!" she said as the horse galloped away.
Meanwhile, the ant was getting amazingly bored and he started to sing, and while he was singing ripping a piece of the horses leather belt off. He kept singing until the piece was completely broken off.
"Jingle bells jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what horror it is to ride on a stinky old smelly horse."
The little old lady heard the singing and looked around to see who was singing. When she did this she let go of the reins! The horse ran around wildly. The little old lady grabbed the reins and steered the horse this way and that way. The ant ignored this and went on singing
"The little old lady had a lobster, E I E I O and what that lobster did was horror E I E I O. With a snap ouch! Here. And a snap ouch! There. Here a snap. There an ouch! Everywhere a snap ouch! The little old lady had a lobster E I E I O.
The little old lady suddenly screamed, "shut up! I need to concentrate!" The ant quieted down immediately when he heard the little old lady’s scream.
The little old lady took control and steered the horse right out of the woods, all the way to her house.
The little old lady jumped off the horse with the cage and said to the ant, "You shall do what I say or I will eat you like a crumb of my cake!" With that she ran with the cage to the bakery. Then she said "you better get your friends over here because you have to get me that big delicious wedding cake!"
The ant was too afraid to say no, so he said, "OK, I will get my friend over to help." Then the ant whistled and bunches of ants came rushing down. The little old lady opened the cage, and the ant thinking about the poor people whose wedding this was, jumped out happily. Then the ant realized that he didn’t have to get the cake for the little old lady, he could trick her. He ran to his friends and whispered something in every other ant’s ear. I can’t tell you what he said because he said it in ant talk. It sounded something like this, "nru ywaa dan tdno tge eht ekac." Then all of a sudden all the ants started running away. The little old lady threw out nets so she could catch the ants. She caught every one of them except the one she wanted the most, the ant that ate her cake.
She took the ants home and wiped all the ants off the net and into a pot. She carried the pot over to the fire and put it on top. In fifteen minutes the ants were dead, but the little old lady wasn’t through. She took a cup of melted chocolate off the stove and poured the chocolate all over every ant. Then she did the most gross thing ever I should say. She ate the ants! Every last one! She then ran outside and got her dump truck. Then she drove away and came back with the biggest boulder you ever saw. She dumped the boulder out of the truck, through the door and into her house. She put her truck away and ran into her house. She grabbed her pick and started carving the rock into a sculpture of herself. Then she carved the left over rocks into little ant people. When she had used up all the pieces there were five ant people made. That was the same amount of ants the little old lady ate.
She ran to the store and saw a giant battery powered remote control boat in the window. She went inside and said to the man behind the counter, "how much does the boat in the window cost?"
"It cost exactly $1,000,000", the man said.
The little old lady took out her wallet and gave the man what he asked for. She ran home and got out her ant people. She put them in her boat and put them both in her car. Then off they were to Lake Yamaguchi.
When she got there she put the boat in the water and grabbed the remote control. Then she went and picked a good big bush to hide behind (one with no berries.) She turned the remote control on and waited. And waited. And waited. In about an hour the little old lady started to get a little bored she was just about to give up and go home when the ant came sadly walking out from behind a tree. He looked up and saw the boat with the rock ant and thought they were real and were his friends. He right away said, "hello my friends, long time no see!" Then he jumped on the boat with the fake ants. He was just going to ask the rock ants how they got free when the little old lady switched the forward switch forward. The boat jerked forward enough so the ant could not jump back to land.
Then the little old lady jumped out of the bushes with the remote control and said, "I’ve got you now, your trapped on the boat with your little rock friends!" She turned the boat toward a big rock in the middle of the lake. She switched the forward switch forward and started heading straight for the gigantic rock. The little old lady screamed to the ant "Say your prayers sonny!" Then there was a big "BOOM" and then all you could see was some of the boat’s parts floating around. Then again, maybe not. The little old lady laughed and started driving away in her car. She didn’t even see that the ant standing on the rock that the boat had hit. The ant was waving at her delighted at what had happened.
When the little old lady was out of sight, the ant started getting right at work. He grabbed some wood that was floating in the water and he built himself a mighty fine house, yes he did. Then the little ant went inside his fine house and took a little nap. Oh sure, the ant could have built himself a boat and escaped from the island any time he wanted. But he decided he liked this better than living out in the open. There were no little old ladies here, and no anteaters. So the ant decided to stay put.
Meanwhile, the little old lady had arrived home. She parked her van and started watching the television, but just as she turned it on a police came in. "Go away!" the little old lady, said.
"That’s no way to talk to a police man!" the policeman said angrily. "Ok, ok" said the little old lady "what do you want?
"You have been accused of cutting down trees in the forest without permission", said the policeman.
"I have done no such thing!" yelled the little old lady.
"Oh ya, we found this leather piece from your horse right near the house and this horse also belongs to the forest. So you better just come with me to the jail or we will have to do it the hard way."
"I refuse to go to jail!" cried the little old lady.
"Then we shall have to do it the hard way", the policeman said. Suddenly, the roof fell in and a cage fell right on top of the little old lady. Then a couple more policemen came in and carried the cage with the little old lady into a truck that the policemen had come in. Then all the policemen got in the truck and drove the little old lady to jail.
When they got there they locked the little old lady up in the most secure jail cell they had. The little old lady sat on the cement bench and looked out the window ad can you guess what she saw? She saw the little ant on the rock in the middle of Lake Yamaguchi! The ant waved and stuck out his tongue at her.
Now there is not an ant in the little old lady’s jail cell and do you know why? She stepped on them all! Every once and then the little old lady looks out her window to see the ant and the ant always waved.


The End